An Open Letter to All Toothpaste Companies

Dear Toothpaste Companies,

I can not understand your business. For starters, what’s the difference between all of your toothpastes? There’s fluoride, cavity protection, whitening, mint stripe, mint strips, advanced clean, antigingivitis, advanced fresh, oxygen bubbles, bright strips, minty sparkle, and enamel strength varieties. How on earth am I suppose to choose what to do with my teeth? And I haven’t even mentioned the different FLAVORS you have!

Should I sacrifice cavity protection in order to strengthen my enamel? What’s the difference between mint strips and mint stripes – besides the letter “e”? By touting a tube as advanced clean, aren’t you implying that all the other brands are not as good cleaners as the namesake? What’s a consumer to do?

But even more perplexing, is your seemingly bizarre system of sizing. Please reveal your secret code. Tell me your methodology in tubing your pastes. Sure 6.0 ounces makes sense, it’s a nice round number. But 5.8 oz.? Why sell a tube for .2 ounces less? Then there’s 7.6 oz. Not 7.0, 7.5 or even 8.0. I can buy toothpaste for 4.0, 4.6, 7.2, or even a gigantic 8.2 ounces. There’s no rhyme or reason.

What’s the standard? Where did it come from? Why is it so random? What’s the meaning of it all? Numerologists help me out! The ONLY standard number society has collectively accepted for toiletries is 3.4. Why? Where? It’s the largest size allowed for traveling in carry-on baggage. When any traveler purchases personal care items for traveling, the first thing they look at is size. Yet the most easily remembered number, the benchmark for all other sizes is absent from the shelf.

Instead, I’m forced to buy toothpaste that is 1.8 oz. or a pitiful .7 oz. Maybe, depending on the store’s selection, I might be able to find a 2.7 oz. tube. But 3.4 oz…nope. It’s a mythical size that exists only in our imagination. Now I’m forced to purchase multiple 2.7 ounce tubes in order to get the amount I need for my weekend away from home. Or, I could purchase a dozen .7 oz. tubes. But that creates an excess of waste and I’d have more fun flushing my money away. Your smaller sizes are never a better a value – and I think you know that.

Dear Colgate, Crest, Aquafresh and no name brand producers, make me a tube of toothpaste that I can carry on a plane AND that will last me my whole trip. I’m tired of having to go to the store every time I have to fly because I can’t take your monster 8.2 oz tube on the plane. And don’t go trying to blame the TSA. This is America. Capitalism at it’s finest. Seize the opportunity. I dare you. Make a tube that’s 3.4 ounces. I’ll be the first to buy it. And so will the millions of other travelers. Who will be the first? Proctor and Gamble, will it be you? Or will GlaxoSmithKline beat you to it?

Writing with minty fresh breath (but with no cavity protection),

Benjamin Reed – adventureswithben.com

P.S. To all you readers out there, if this irritates you, just as much as it irritates me, please spread the word. Share this letter in facebook. Send the link out on twitter. Use the “share this” button on this post. Send everyone back to this post and share your comments. Maybe, together, we can change the world and buy travel-friendly, travel-hefty toothpaste tubes of 3.4oz (100ml).